I'm struggling tonight...I'm struggling with my running but still just threw down a kick ass circuit routine and had my heart rate up to 200 by rep 5. My totals go a little something like this:
300 jumping jacks
250 high knees
5 minutes total of wall sits
By my fifth wall sit my heart rate was up to 200 beats per minute!! That's like where you can barely count fast enough to even GET your heart rate. I am REALLY struggling at speed with my running. I have distance down...very slow but can get it. Throw me out there at a slow trot, like high 12 or low 13 minute miles and I can go forever as long as I'm fueled. I'm at a crossroads. I either feel like I just need to focus on longer distances and be ok with being a very slow runner, or I need to crack down and pick up my pace for shorter distances. I'm doing my sixth 5k this Sunday and I'm still not below a 10 minute per mile pace. I know some of you will tell me I'm being too hard on myself, and yes in a sense I am, but this is just something I want REALLY bad right now. I tend to be hard on myself, get frustrated and give up on things. I'm a perfectionist, I'm type A, I'm all about not being good, but being TOO good. If I'm not smarter than, faster than, better than, then I'm just not good enough. I know, I know....but these are my really deep down, heart and soul feelings I'm wearing on my sleeve for all of you right now. I know I have come a loooooong way over the past year, but I'm constantly comparing myself to others. Everyone I seek for motivation and inspiration are all secretly my competitors. I really need to start taking my own advice and not compare myself to anyone else but MYSELF. I think anyone in the real world of sports has a reallly hard time doing that though. What is a sport, it's a game, every game has a winner, and of course everyone wants to be a winner. Am I right?
So tonight was all about reaching a goal...and in a way I met it. I was planning on doing 2 miles tonight and setting a new PR. I think my best single mile I've ever done so far was about 10:53. I was aiming for 2 miles at 10 min miles. So here's how that went. I pushed, I mean really pushed myself my first mile and got it in 8:53! and then it hit....WHAM, outta fuel, outta breath, outta steam. I hit the wall. I'm struggling with my breathing, I seem to really fight for air when I'm running, get about half tight in my chest and cough a lot when I'm done. I keep trying to figure out if I have more of an asthma element then what I think. I used to take an inhaler in high school for exercise induced asthma, but was never really sure how much I believed in that diagnosis, because I don't ever remember actually having a test done. I did try using an inhaler (no I didn't just randomly pick one, it was my husbands and what I used in high school, just albuterol) a while back and HATED the way it made me feel. I thought my heart was literally going to come out my throat or chest. So....now I'm torn, if it is asthma I have one of 2 choices either live with it and know that my breathing might improve a little, but won't ever be able to push as hard as I want, OR if it is asthma I can use an inhaler, have my breathing improve and feel like my heart is going to explode.
Now for all of you saying, "Oh, but Adriane you just need to look back at where you came from and how much you've accomplished in the past year", I know. I really do know. It's still hard in my mind right now, I will still fight to be "winning". I know I will never actually win a race. I'm not to the point of thinking that will ever be a reality, I know it's just physically impossible for my body to run that fast, and THAT I'm ok with. It's the fact that I'M not where I want to be be, I'm NOT winning against myself right now.