Tuesday, April 24, 2012

I've become comfortably numb..not sure how comfortable though....

I dunno who's going to read this..I really don't know who I want reading this, but this blog is supposed to be about health, faith and life, all of which I'm struggling with at the moment. I always say that I like people to see my down's, not just my up's. Life IS about up's and down's, and I'm sorry, anyone who just posts or talks about the up's has a lot going on in their life that you don't know about. I'm an open book. I don't care who knows what about me. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and talk openly about my life. I guess sometimes that's good and sometimes that's bad. Here in Lancaster County people are known to be quite nosey...or curious. I don't let people have that chance. You wanna know something ask me, chances are I've already told you. So, I'm taking this time to get out some of my emotions of the last couple weeks as sort of an exercise/healing time for myself and like usual I'll put it out there for anyone to read.

It's been rough. I mean, really, really rough. I have NEVER been in this situation before in my life. I've come upon hard times, or what I thought to be hard times, but nothing this severe. I HATE having to count on people. The one thing that John always teases me about and actually my mom always used to tell me, is that I'm "Miss Independant". I don't want help. I wanna do it myself! I don't take "hand-outs" very well and I don't wanna have to rely on anyone else but myself! It doesn't really matter what it is, something I need to use brains,brawns, or whatever else it takes to get the job done. I'm on it. That being said, I'm also a total control freak. Most times, one of the biggest reasons I like doing things myself is because I know that I'm doing it "the right way". Nobody else does it the "right" way or does it "good enough". It's a lot to handle sometimes. John is very understanding of this concept. We have now hit a point where it doesn't matter what I think or feel. I've lost total control and need to rely on some people to help us out.

The job market is an absolute disaster right now. John has sent out countless resumes, filled out applications, and made a ton of phone calls over the past several months. Most of the time he doesn't hear back, the times that he does he goes for an interview and never hears back. Lots of follow-up calls only to be told the person isn't in, or the position has been filled, or if you haven't heard we've chosen a different way to go. Bills keep piling up and weren't good to begin with as we were behind on bills from him being on unemployment before. We are now at the point of coming close to losing our car and apartment. I am NOT writing this for hand-outs or pity parties or anything else other than to just get this out....so don't even think about it! We sat down yesterday to go over the bills and I just broke down in tears. Part of it feeling helpless and part of it wondering why God let's things like this happen. I'm at the point where my faith is fading again. I KNOW that as Christians it was never said that we wouldn't suffer or face trials or tribulations, it just really STINKS that after turning our lives around everything goes to crap. There isn't a doubt in my mind that this is God's perfect timing and there is a reason for all of it, but when you're going through it, sometimes you just don't know what to think. I just want to know the WHY part of it. I know I may never know that...but that's the control part again. The guy downstairs had his electric shut-off so even though we were able to keep ours on, there is no heat at the moment and I am FREEEZZZZZING. Someone from the borough came last week and we were going to have our electric and water shut-off last Thursday. "Luckily" because John is diabetic we were able to get a medical exemption form filled out, which states they are not legally allowed to shut it off. Ephrata Area Social Services helped to pay part of our water bill so we were able to keep that, although our toilet is broken right now and you need to shut off the water valve and turn it back on for it to flush properly. SO even though we still have electric and water, no heat and a broken toilet.

I've been in a funk with working out this past week too. Pretty sure on the brink of being depressed. I could care less about what I'm eating and I've only done 2 light runs/work-outs in the past week. Everyday I say I'm going to come home and work-out and I find an excuse. I'm in a "just wanna go crawl under the covers and wake me up when everything is better" attitude. I'm past the part of anger where I just wanna work-out and get it all out. I'm just kinda numb. I know this will pass and I'll get back on track, but I keep coming down on myself because of that now too. I have a race on Sunday which I'm really glad for. Hopefully it's the push I need to keep going. I have a 5 mile trail race coming up on May 12 too, and I've been REALLY bummed out about not being able to go anywhere with trails to run. Nature is my solace and I haven't even been able to enjoy it and relax.

SO, not sure what else to say...yeah I'm kinda having my own personal pity party. I'm allowed to once in a while. I know that everything will be ok. I have my health, I have my friends and family and I have a wonderful husband by my side through it all.....but right now I'm just bummed. So is life..the up's and down's and REALLY??!! I've learned to appreciate the hills...I'd really like to start climbing a HUGE one and get out of this pit we're in at the moment!!

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